Split ('Out Loud For Me')
by Milu Georgia
Summary: A simple mission. In, destroy the Hydra base, out. But when all goes wrong and members of the group are kidnapped by Hydra itself, Captain America is confronted with Bucky's past and finds himself torn between his responsibility and the little boy from Brooklyn. / #1 of my 'Out Loud For Me' - Series
**Music tip:
X Ambassadors - Renegades  
youtube: **watch?v=8j741TUIET0

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Split

 **Part 1  
** _'Out Loud For Me' - Series_

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"What you don't understand is that we are always prepared for the worst."

His voice is rough and barely audible. The last time he drank something was before the mission. Nonetheless he keeps his face straight, unmoving, unfazed by what they throw at him. Every weakness could be their downfall, could endanger his team.  
As long as they are focused on him and his seemingly unbreakable will, everything will be alright.

"Really? Sorry, I can't believe that," his counterpart laughs eerily and then throws a look over his shoulder towards the back of the room. Three cells hold one member each, distraught, angry, silent. They know better than to rebel right now. They know Steve, they know the specially designed cells which will hurt them during the slightest attempt to break out.  
They know there is nothing they can do other than wait.

Something none of them is really good at, Steve muses and grins fondly because he knows his team inside out.  
"Found your humor again, Captain? I can't imagine what could possibly be so funny in a situation like this," the man begins and walks around the chair he is bound to by unbreakable chains, until he stands behind Steve and leans towards his ear.  
"Three of your teammates are unable to do anything, unless they want to die of electrocution. Two other teammates already lost their lives on the battlefield because of you. I can't see anything funny about that."

And there isn't.  
There is nothing funny about the way Black Widow tries not to give in to Natasha and scream out of fear and frustration.  
There is nothing funny about the way Clint tries to hide his shaking fists, because he is unable to do anything to get them out.  
There is nothing funny about the way Tony looks at Steve.

His eyes are burning through him, capture him and tell him a million things all at once.  
The Iron Man suit is missing, they tore it off and sealed it away so that the flying hero can't aid them. It's just Tony. So Steve smiles at him reassuringly and then takes a deep breath despite the broken ribs to answer the man behind him.

"It's funny that you still think you are in control of the situation."

And just like that he throws him off course. The man freezes for a moment, eyes rapidly moving around the room, towards the guards at the door and then to the captured Avengers, before he releases a shaky laugh.  
"Mind games now, Captain? Something you picked up during the war?"

His breath falters.  
 _Bombs. Explosions. Screams. Blood. Pain. More blood.  
_ They can't go in that direction. He has to stay in control, he has to give off the impression that the leader cannot hurt him physically nor emotionally. So Steve hides away deep inside of him and suddenly it's Captain America who turns his head to face the man now standing by his side and looking down upon him with intimidating superiority.

"Just a little something I picked up from the Nazis."  
A humorless grin appears on his lips and his eyes tear through the leader who doesn't move an inch all of a sudden. He can see it in Cap's eyes, on his chapped lips. His plan didn't work, Steve is not showing up, it's Captain America who answers him. Not the scared boy from Brooklyn. Not the man who lost everything on his way to peace or whatever goal they wanted to acquire with creating the super soldier.  
Steve's not showing up, because he only ever faces his demons in the night when he is alone and able to scream his lungs out. He is not showing up, because his teammates are in danger and they need the Captain right now, someone who always is in control, someone who always knows what to do. So he continues to grin.

"I should show you a trick or two. They were _very_ efficient."  
He teases and criticizes him and that's seemingly too much for the leader, so he tries to shut him up by punching him in the face. For a moment his jaw explodes and he in blinded by the pain. His helmet is missing, thrown away on the battlefield while trying to tend to Banner's wounds. It takes him several seconds to see straight again, then he carefully moves his jaw. Nothing is broken. He is tempted to laugh in the leader's face and tell him that he can't even do that right, but that's nothing the Captain would do.  
So he looks up slowly and stares into their enemy's eyes.

"I could do this all day."  
A challenge. A promise. A memory.

The pain returns a second later, as the leader picks up one of the several instruments on a small side table and presses the glowing stick onto the bloody skin under the ripped suit of his left arm.  
He hears the crackle, sees the white sparks and smells burnt skin.  
An uncountable amount of electricity is rushing through his body, his muscles spasm and it takes all of his willpower to refrain from screaming out loud. The pain is too much, Steve is close to giving in to the darkness at the edge of his consciousness, Captain though endures the treatment silently.

It's nothing compared to their pain.  
To Peggy's grief.  
To Bucky's endless ache.  
To Howard's sorrow.

It's nothing compared to their pain, so the Captain holds on without a single noise.

Nonetheless they can see it, everyone can in the way his body fights against the restrains to get away from the torture, in the way his face scrunches up, in the way his chained hands in front of him are balled into fists and tremble uncontrollably.

All he can hear is the sizzling noise, until it finally stops an eternity later.  
All he can think of is that this is Hydra and Bucky probably had to endure this for _seventy_ years.  
This, a little pain, is nothing compared to what the Winter Soldier had to go through.

It's no wonder he turned out the way he did, Cap muses, but before he can follow the bitter thought, a hand grabs the damp streaks of his hair and pulls his aching head up again. The leader stands before him and a smug smile adorns his face, while he talks.  
It takes a while for Cap to make out the words, because everything sounds as if he is underwater for long and painful seconds. When his hearing returns he can make out the outrageous screams of his teammates, who are ignored by the still talking leader.

"You with us again, Captain? Not so mouthy anymore, are we?"

"Say Mr. …"

"Major will do, Captain."  
He stops the laugh bubbling up in his throat and then continues.

"Say _Major_ , you're doing this for the first time, aren't you?"

And then he uses his fists again, several punches land on his bruised body, but the Captain endures. His opponent may be violent, but his mind is weak. Every dare agitates him, he gives in to the pressure too easily and loses his focus. It's the only chance the Captain has to make sure his teammates are safe. As long as the Major focuses on him, they will be alright, so he holds on and endures.

It's what a captain does for his people, isn't it?

He has taken on the burden once already, a long time ago and yet it feels like yesterday, when he protected his men on one of many suicide missions to take out Hydra. And while the Major screams at him with empty threats over the ringing in his ears, Steve curiously listens for the voices in his mind.  
The screams of the Avengers mix up with the ones from the Howling Commandos, until another voice from his memory blocks out all others. It's Bucky. He's pissed, he's furious, but not afraid like the others. He knows Steve can endure this, because there is always the Captain protecting him from the bombshells, the fire and the pain.

"Must've hit my head pretty hard," he mumbles incomprehensively and snorts at the reminder of what was and what is. He still has to get a job done, so he glances up, straightens his shoulders and is the man the world admires and hates.  
And just like that the Major takes a step back and breaks off.

"What do you want to do?"  
His voice is raspy and low, but it raises the intimidating factor he has on his opponent, who keeps silent while clinging to the glowing stick in his hand.

"Do you punch me again? Do you use your little toys there?"  
A snarl, the grip of the Major around his weapon tightens, but he stays between the Captain and the cells.  
And then Cap goes in the offensive, a tactical move he can't evade if he wants to keep them safe.

"Do you plan on using my team against me? Do you want to threaten them? The second you try to get them out of the cells, your men are dead. The second you try to get me in there, the second you move this chain, _you_ are dead if you are seriously thinking about hurting my people in any way possible."  
The look in the Major's eyes speaks volumes. Bull's eye.

But instead of the awaited reaction the Major doesn't give in to the rage once again. Suddenly he puts the weapon back onto the small table and turns towards Cap with a humorless laugh.  
"Have to admit I underestimated you, Captain. But this is Hydra you're playing with." With a move that is too relaxed for Cap's liking the Major pulls an abandoned wooden chair closer and sits down in front of him. He leans back and pulls his left leg up until his foot rests on his right knee.  
"Working with Hydra gives you several advantages, you know?"

Something is off.  
A weird feeling spreads in his stomach and he takes a shuttering breath to calm himself down. It has never been a good sign before and ignoring the pressuring feeling has already resulted in the loss of a teammate once before in a snowy region on a damned train.

"I've been working for a long, long time for Hydra. The stuff they tested back then on captured soldiers is better than any cosmetic surgery – but you probably know that already, don't you, Steven?"

A cold shiver runs down his back.  
So the Major didn't miss his reaction before by the mere mention of the war he has been participating in seventy years ago - which feel like not even one to be honest.

"A buddy of yours was able to enjoy the treatment as well. James Buchanan Barnes, if I'm not mistaken?"

"Stop it."  
The reserved and cautious Captain disappears all of a sudden, when Steve hears the name of the best friend he lost to ice, Hydra and bone-deep disappointment. He isn't ready to talk, not even think about what happened back then. The file about what they did to him still lies on his desk back in New York, barely looked at in the middle of nights filled with endless guilt and bitter tears.  
Cap tries to get back in control, but this time the small boy from Brooklyn is stronger, more passionate and raises his head with pure, unadulterated hatred. And so he plays directly into the Major's hands, who continues with a smug expression on his face.

"I had the pleasure of… bringing him to his senses," he starts and slowly leans forward. His cold, piercing eyes nail him to the seat and his unwavering voice makes clear that Steve has been the one underestimating his opponent.  
"Whenever he remembered your name I got to use my 'toys', as you call them. Such a stubborn boy."

He laughs loudly and Steve stares horrified at the Major.  
Someone screams at him to stop, but he doesn't even turn around.  
His gaze is fixed on Steve – now that he has appeared in front of the enemy's eyes, the Major doesn't let go of him and gives the Captain no choice to regain his senses and be the unmovable wall his foes fear.

"He never screamed, like you. Until we began to play with his mind. It benefitted us well that you decided to crash-land in the middle of the ocean. Oh the _screams_ , Steven-"

And then he stops talking – or Steve simply can't comprehend his words anymore, because suddenly the pictures from the file appear in front of his inner eye and begin to move. Bucky lies on a chair, inhuman screams tear through the gleeful words of the people surrounding him, while he begs for Steve to come and save him over and over and over again.

"We had this machine that really did its job, you know? Made him forget everything, your name, his name, where he came from… We even did you a favor, since he was unable to remember the day you abandoned him on that train as well, while he endured our little treatment-"

Another scream, but this time Bucky's past one mixes with Steve's, who tears with unimaginable strength against the unbreakable chains and uses every ounce of the serum that runs through his boiling blood.  
"Oh no, Captain, you are going to listen to this," the Major growls in front of him and tries to stop him with the taser-like weapon again, but this time Steve barely notices the electricity running through his body. The adrenalin and pure, burning rage eliminate the ability to feel pain, while he continues to tear at the chains.

"You are going to pay," Steve answers over the sizzling noise of the weapon and pulls the hand of the Major holding it even closer towards his bruised and battered body, until his enemy has no other choice than to come closer. "All of you! I will make you pay for everything you've done to him, _Major_." And it's not even a promise or a threat at this point, because Steve predicts his future, since he will not rest until he has Bucky back and shown the Major and all of Hydra what this soldier they fear is really made of.  
And to raise the terror in the man's eyes just a little bit more, he willingly grabs the glowing stick with his chained hands until the smell of burnt flesh fills the air again and makes the Major gag.

"-op it Steve, **stop!** "  
The Black Widow is screaming at him- wrong, it's Natasha who kneels in the cell and stares at him with a horrified expression. Then the Major is on him again, pulls the weapon away and raises his voice once more, because he is too sure that Steve can't rip the chains apart, while he continues to tell him about Bucky.

"Shall I tell you how your little friend killed innocent people without batting an eye? Shall I tell you how he is out there right now, eager to finally rip you apart – the only one bringing his painful memories back over and over again? Shall I tell you how you inflict even more pain on your precious friend, because we have to wipe his memory clean every time you confront him so stupidly?"

The Major is kneeling in front of him and grabs his broken jaw so that Steve is unable to look away. By now he can't suppress the Captain any longer, so they mix up, Steve and the Captain, incredibly hurt by the truth of the Major's words and defiant because who is he to give in to someone celebrating torture and the pain of others?  
His more emotional side is glad to have someone in control again, it's all they ever need, control, a plan, someone who pushes them forward when the world is burning down. While he drowns in the past his team still needs his help and a plan and the Captain, not someone who is too weak to protect them and do his job.

Because the world needs Captain America.  
Not Steve. Not the kid from Brooklyn. Not a desperate best friend. Not a fool.

And so he shoves his thoughts and feelings aside, until only the weapon is left behind, bruised, battered, but ready to strike. "I will make you pay," he mumbles as best as he can with a broken jaw and the Major's tight grip.  
"Will you?" the Major replies and uses his smug smile again to pretend as if he isn't scared by the hard look that replaced the need of revenge in the Captain's eyes. "I don't know when or how, but one day, when yuh're not watchin' your back, I'll make yuh pay."  
For a moment, blinded by the pain, he slips back into his Brooklyn accent and shows more of Steve than he has during the past year together with the Avengers. The man in front of him ignores it, but his teammates don't. They stare at him with worry and in awe, because he has never been in rage, blinded by hatred and ready to hurt someone even though he is no threat to the world. They have never encountered Steven Grant Rogers, who has been hiding away behind the strong face of Captain America.

It's the reason why they don't notice the big crack appearing in the ceiling above them for crucial seconds, until it comes down with an ear-deafening crush and buries the guards and parts of the cages under the heavy stone slabs. The bars are gone and so are the captured Avengers. Even before the dust has settled all three of them appear behind the Major like ghosts and with weapons in their hands, ready to kill him in the mere blink of an eye.  
They don't though, because they wait for the approval of their Captain, who is unusually moved by the fact that they still listen to him unconditionally despite what they have witnessed just minutes before.

"Sorry, hope we aren't too late for the party," someone throws in with a shaking voice from behind Tony, Natasha and Clint. Steve – or the Captain, who knows at this point? – takes a deep breath despite his hurting ribs and smiles at Thor and Bruce, who to everyone's surprise isn't green and big and angry and smashing in their enemies' skulls.  
They are more alive than the Major remembered them to be on the battlefield, so he stares at them over his shoulder with unconcealed anger, before he stupidly decides to go for the Captain in front of him as a last resort. His hand doesn't even touch Steve's face, before two pairs of hands nearly break his wrist and three others – including Bruce and Thor, who have no clue about what's going on – threaten his good health with easy and reliable ways to kill him.

They are all there and ready to follow his command, as if there has been no talk about Bucky, no screaming, no escalation on the battlefield and no weak Steve to begin with. And so he falls back into his usual role, even though the Captain doesn't miss the looks Tony and their beloved assassins throw at him – a reminder that they won't forget, that they will try to take the burden somehow for him. It warms his heart and makes it heavier all at once. By the time they'll be back at the Avengers Tower and ready to talk to him, Steve will be prepared to show his best smile - unconcerned and carefree like always - to the world, even though he is aware that they have seen through him and past the mask he puts on somewhere between the invasion in New York and the moment the Major mentioned Bucky.

Now it doesn't count though – their glances have to be enough for the moment, because they are still in the middle of a Hydra base, most of them are injured and Steve has no clue how much reinforcement is on its way.  
With a forming plan in his head Cap studies the open face of the Major, who seems to be torn between rage, anger and pure fear for his life.

"I told you, _Major_ ," Steve begins and is glad that his voice isn't shaking, while Bruce breaks the lock of the chain that ties him to the chair in the middle of the room. "Never underestimate us."  
Once he is freed Steve gets up slowly and stares into his enemy's eyes – for a moment the raw feelings bubble up to the surface: he wants to make the Major pay for every word about Bucky, for every second he pained his best friend and turned him into the Winter Solider. He wants to punch his face until the blood turns him into the monster he is, he wants to pull his insides out and hear him scream and beg for his worthless life.

That's what _Steve_ thinks though.  
He is too emotional, too personal. His new life doesn't have room for the courageous - and immensely stupid if you ask Bucky – kid from Brooklyn, whose dreams Cap can't even remember. It's all blurry, like a long-forgotten dream, and sometimes he wonders what the voice of his mom sounded like.

"Oh Captain, I never did. My job here was done," the Major responds with a cocky grin before Clint sends him with a punch into oblivion. And just now the Captain realizes that it has never been about the elimination of the Avengers.  
Not in the way one would expect. Something sparks in his heart, fear, then it is gone and shoved away by the Captain, who turns towards the nearest door and grabs his shield from the table.

"Let's go."  
They leave the Major and his words behind, while silence and doubts follow them unknown.

There is no room for Steve – not in this world, which relies on someone holding it together now more than ever before. So the Captain carefully locks him away again to do his duty and be the man they all admire and hate.


End file.
